More than conquerors
10.05.06 -
10 May 2006
Update:
Today I was feeling worse than I've ever felt in my life. (Trust me, that is really something. The fact that I can consistently write about my sadness with humour is testimony to my good sense of humour, if I may say so myself, not to the fact that it doesn't hurt like hell okay!) I guess I've simply never been so broken down in my life before.
But I finally had a talk with God and poured out everything I felt about everything. I guess ever since Apr 12, the same day I ended this diary, I hadn't been talking much to God. That was the day I discovered that although I'd been obeying Him to the best of my ability, really trusting in Him with all my heart, being self-controlled, not giving in to what I really wanted but doing what He wanted, praying on my knees and pouring out everything to Him, crying out to Him on my own, trusting in Him and obeying Him and trusting and trusting and trusting... it seemed like that had simply allowed my happiness, all that I had hoped for, to be snatched away. Not even IN SPITE of honouring God, in fact; but BECAUSE of it. BECAUSE I'd honoured God, because I'd been self-controlled, He'd closed the door to what I wanted most - to what I'd wanted more than anything in my life. I could not understand this. I stopped talking to Him - not because I was angry with Him, but because I was frightened - I was frightened that the more I obeyed from now on, the more He would allow me to be hurt.
At one point along the last week, I felt I was losing my faith. I felt myself being taken over by everything in me that wanted My Way, not God's Way. I knew that this is what is called rebellion, I knew that it was a sin - but I really felt at that point in time that I was not capable of wanting God's way at all - that He had created me too weak to bear the strain - too weak to let go what I wanted for what He wanted.
I did not doubt that God existed - I did not doubt that He was good - I did not doubt that His way was best; I have come to know Him through too hard a struggle in the past to ever doubt all this, and I have experienced too much of His goodness for that - and I knew that it was illogical of me to now refuse to trust in Him. I knew that when God takes things away from us, it is because he has something better planned for us - CS Lewis has likened our attitude to children making mud-pies in the urban slums, and wanting to be left alone with our mud-pies, when actually God intends to take us to the seaside to experience how much better playing can be.
But now I could no longer see WHY God's definition of 'good' for us was so much better. A child who's playing mud-pies doesn't miss anything because he doesn't know any better - he's never seen the beach, so he'll never be sad. He's already so happy making mud-pies. Why rob him of the enjoyment of making mud-pies by showing him things that are so much better so that he'll never be able to see mud-pies in the same light again? That's not making him more happy - that's simply raising the standard that he needs to achieve in order to feel happy in future, surely? Aren't you just making life more difficult for him?
I wanted to be left alone in the mud making my mud-pies. THIS is what I loved! I HATED to be dragged away from it. WHY, GOD, WHY? If this is what I love, why are you taking it away from me? Why? Why do You want to destroy it, to make me unable to love it? I don't want the seaside, I only want my mud-pies! And why is it that when I obeyed You, You allowed my act of obedience to be turned into the very thing that made it be taken away from me? That's too much for me to bear. Oh God - kill me today while I can still honour You because I'm going to lose my faith if You let me live any longer! Kill me right now!
I no longer wanted to honour God and be self-controlled any more.
Here is an extract from a poem I wrote at the time:
you asked me for my childhood
and this i gave to you
i gave you nights of sleeping
in fighting and in weeping
where youth had played and fluted
i sought truth unpolluted
lightness i gave to you
i grew old fast
you asked me for my comfort
and this i gave to you
i learnt for playthings not to plead
and little things i did not need
greed did take somewhat longer
but slowly i grew stronger
my rebel wants i gave to you
they would not last
you asked me for ambition
and all that i would do
and so i gave up fame and power
the prospect of a name, a flower
thrown on stage, a glorious hour
to be all the rage - this tower
too I gave to you
but this was not enough
you asked me for my life's love
and nothing else would do
and i don't know what to do God
i want to honour you
but when you ask me for my life's love
you rend my heart in two
perhaps you gave this to me
just to give it back to you
why did you give this to me
just to give it back to you
* * *
So He put me through an extremely painful process - to convince me that there was really no happiness to be found with what I had once loved. What I could not let go by faith, He showed up by allowing me to be hurt so badly that I would let go. Since I was now frightened of God, He made me even more frightened of the thing that I wanted so that I would no longer dare to touch it.
==================
perhaps you gave this to me
just to give it back to you
because you knew no greater gift
i'd ever give to you
all right all right i know i know
i know what i must do
like abraham with isaac
i must give it all to you
and so i give oh God oh God
my heart and soul to you
all that has ever made me me
my future my identity
my hopes my dreams my sanity
oh God oh God take them from me
since that is what you do
[...]
Which brings us up-to-date. I was completely desolate and empty after this - could do nothing except feel all the accumulated hurt and rejection and cry. I felt completely worthless and unloveable (which actually I probably am, haha) - completely useless and unattractive - a beggar girl once again, adopted by a rich family but then turned out on the streets again because she hadn't been able to live up to expectations. This isn't very good for one's self-esteem.
When I was feeling at my worst and wishing that all my best girl friends weren't scattered over three continents and that at least Steffy (whom I have not seen for at least 6 months!) were around so that she could hug me while I cried, I decided I had better call someone, even someone whom I wouldn't normally call. So I called the person who had last messaged me, who happened to be a strong Christian friend who knew me just well enough to follow what was going on and at the same time had no emotional or circumstantial investment at all (i.e. wasn't in my family, church or faculty and did not know anything about the party concerned) - and I just said everything I felt, no matter how ridiculous and stupid I thought it was.
I don't know how come it seems that people always know what to say to me when I bawl to them (because when people bawl to me, I'm convinced that what I'm saying to them is extremely unhelpful) but it was an utterly sensible and encouraging conversation that was Part One of tonight's healing process, and which more importantly led me to go on to Part Two after that, which was to talk to God.
So for the first time in about a month I bawled to God and told Him everything I felt. (I'd been talking to Him all along but it was more like curt telegrams - "HAVE SINNED PLEASE FORGIVE ME I'M SORRY". "DEAR GOD PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND" "HELP ME GOD" "KILL ME GOD" - you get the idea. - I hadn't had the courage to wait for His responses!) Finally we had a proper conversation.
And finally, maybe for the first time since all the trouble began 6 months ago, I finally have peace. The sadness is still there - I probably won't stop crying so soon - but at least there's peace too. And a lot of my questions have been answered.
* * *
I have often wondered why God gave me so many hard lessons. I've had to struggle so much in order to get close to God and obey Him, while other Christians seem to come to know Him so easily and flow with Him so naturally. For me it's been uphill all the way. And this time - I really couldn't see the reason for this particular episode, nor what God was trying to teach me by it. You're trying to teach me that if I obey You You will hurt me is it God? What kind of crap lesson is that? I thought. Don't obey You also get hurt, obey You also get hurt - then what's the use of obeying You at all?
But I realised that every time God gives me a hard knock, it's to teach me something new. It took me 8 painful years to learn that God was real - wrestling with intellectual doubts and pride and struggling to get to know Him ('while youth had played and fluted / I sought truth unpolluted'). During that time, I often wondered if it was worth it - none of my friends seemed to be seeking for answers, for God, so strongly - they were all enjoying themselves, having a 'proper childhood', enjoying themselves shopping and playing computer games, and here I was reading my eyes out and crying my eyes out in search of the truth, denying myself the temporary comfort of ignoring the problem because that wouldn't make it go away. But when I finally came to know God I knew it was worth all of it, all the torture, even if I'd had to struggle another 8 years for it (but He knew I wouldn't have been able to take it lah, so that's why He didn't make me)!
After that I had to go through another 3 years of struggle and a great deal of hurt before I finally learnt the important lesson that when you don't do things in God's will and pattern, when you don't surrender your life to God and obey God, you get hurt.
And I've finally realised that the lesson God was trying to teach me this time was: Even when you obey God, sometimes BECAUSE you obey God, you will get hurt. Because I guess I hadn't actually realised this. I guess I knew it as a theory, and had experienced suffering-as-a-result-of-obedience on a small level, but my previous lesson had left me with the impression that as long as I honoured God, I wouldn't get hurt, or at least not hurt as badly, and that's why I should honour Him. So God had to teach me that that's not true. Sometimes obedience to Him will lead directly to hurt. Sometimes, even when we do everything correctly, BECAUSE we do them all correctly, our plans will fail.
Because we don't obey God because we want to escape hurt. The reason we obey God is because Jesus alone is the Truth. Because God is God, our Almighty Creator. Because He is Love. Because He sent His Son to die for us. Because, if we are going to suffer in any case, it is better to suffer for the Truth than for a lie.
Because Real Life isn't about getting what we want, but about trusting God, who loves us, to take us through life - about following God not for the good things He can give us, but for the purpose of being with Him. So even if it creates hurt for us, we have to obey Him. And not "have to" in the sense that we are puppets under the dictatorship of an evil tyrant. But "have to" in the sense that Christ's love compels us. Because when we know how much He loves us - when we really understand - there is no other choice but to love Him back.
Besides this most important lesson, God also showed me a few other reasons why He had allowed me to go through all this in the first place:
1. I let you go through this because, before this, there was nothing in your life that was so precious to you that it would have been hard for you to give up for Me. So I gave you something that you wanted so much for you to see that if you obeyed Me, you would have to give it back - and would you still obey Me then? Every step of the way, how you handled it, your self-control (or lack of it) on each occasion, your efforts to honour Me, and the times when you failed - none of this has been wasted. All of it has been noticed. Every point that you scored when you did things right, the obedience that led in the end to the destruction of what you loved - it all counts. And it was a sign to Me of how much you loved Me.
As for the times that you failed - you have already been punished for them because they are your own punishment - and when you look back you can see that they were what hurt you the most. I do not record them, as long as you realise that you were wrong - and you have already been forgiven for all that you have cried out to Me about.
2. You have often asked Me why I even allowed you to care so much about someone else because it led to so much hurt. I let you love a human being so much because it has helped you get a better idea of how much you should love Me. Before this you still didn't understand a lot about what love was and what it really meant to love Me. But now that you know what it is to love someone so much you would give your whole future to him - your whole life, 100% of your heart and entire being - and now that you have felt the hurt and rejection when you realise that he cannot and will not give you 100% in return - now you have an idea of the love that I have for you and the hurt I feel when you do not give Me 100%... and now you can feel for yourself how much you mean to Me.
YOU are the person whom I love so much that I am willing to give 100% for you. You are the person whom I have even died for. I will never leave you nor forsake you. So do you see now how much it means to Me that you do not leave or forsake me either? It is because I love you so much. I love you even more than you love him. I love him even more than YOU love him. Can you see how much it hurts Me when my loved ones show Me that they love others more than they love Me?
Now you know for yourself how it feels, when you love someone so much that you are certain that if they could only feel this love you have for them, they would have to love you back with all their hearts - because it is impossible that if they really understood the quality of your love, that in itself would not make them love you back. Because such love, such depth of feeling, demands that it is returned; demands that the other person gives 100% in return. And that is how I love you and how I want you to love Me.
I know that sometimes it is hard for human beings to understand what it means to love Me because I'm not there in physical form to hug them, give them physical closeness, speak to them in a human voice. They can't touch Me or hear Me or smell Me with their human senses. So sometimes they don't get how much I really do love them. But what you have experienced is a little analogy of how much I love you and want to be loved by you. From now on you will be able to love Me this way. You will want to be Faithful and True to Me each minute of each day because you have learnt for yourself how hurting inconstancy is. And I have given you a glimpse of what it is to be loved. With him, it may have been a glimpse, but this is how much I love you, every second of every minute of every day. And this is also how much I love him, so don't worry! I will look after him too.
In the past you have told me that sometimes it is difficult for you to feel My love, and not to be tempted by more tangible forms of love, because I am not there to look into your eyes and smile at you and tell you how much I love you. But there are good reasons for this (apart from the very duh reason that I'm God and not a human). One is that it takes a lot more love and trust for people to love someone whom they cannot see and feel - and because I love people so much, I give them the privilege of taking that extra effort to love Me in return. Sure, it is harder than loving someone whom they can see. But this allows them to receive and feel more love in return than someone whom they can feel and see can ever give them. It is love on a higher level - love mixed with faith, which is being certain of what you do not see with your physical eyes. And as I have shown you often in the past and will continue to show you - you can be certain of My love.
There are lots of other good reasons why I am not there for you to touch and see. For example, if I were there in physical form for people to touch, I wouldn't be able to be with everyone in the world at the same time. But in this way, everyone can have access to Me and love Me. So just because you cannot touch and see Me, don't despair or ever think that I don't love you - or that I love you any less than anyone else - or that I don't ALWAYS love you - or that I don't love you more than any human has the capacity to love you. And that is why you will also have the capacity to love Me more than you will be able to love another human being.
I promise you will be able to feel My love in a very real and tangible way - not physically perhaps, but it will be very real to you every time you spend time with Me - and, like I have promised everybody, you will be able to feel more and more of it as you get to know Me better. Not because I will love you more when you love me more (I already love you to the limit - which is actually no limit), but because the more you love someone who truly loves you, the more love you can feel in return. This is a truth you have learnt for yourself.
* * *
Thank you God.
Well, that's just a bit of it lah. I also cried a lot. I told Him how much it hurt. I asked Him to make the pain better. I apologised. I feel that the fact that I had to be hurt so much before I let go gives me less credibility - it shows how unwilling to trust God I was and is less honouring to God than if I could have let go from the beginning before all the suffering. But I guess I've already been punished for it, and it's better to honour God late than never. I told God that from now on I would trust Him. I asked Him to give me a heart that would be as true as steel for Him - that would not change or ever be unfaithful to Him, because now I know how much it matters. I asked Him for the strength to trust Him always - when I am reminded of my sadness - not to fall into the trap of selfishness and wanting my way, but to just trust God and keep trusting Him, keep trusting that He will let His plans be done. I asked Him for the strength to accept His will - to help me not to be sad and cry when things that will hurt me dreadfully happen - because I know there are a lot of them coming. The strength to be able to rejoice in His will. To love Him above all other things and people. To be guided by Him in all things from now on. I know I will make mistakes and fail. But thank God He is always there to pick me up. And, I guess... finally I've learnt the principle of following Jesus, even to the hardest and most painful paths in life, simply because one loves Him and wants to be with Him - for no other reason than that He loves us so utterly much. I had to go through hell to learn this, but thank God I did.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 8:35-39
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10 May 2006
Urgently wanted: Tips for dealing with reactive depression. What is a low-fat snack that you can eat a lot of for comfort in times of depression without getting fat? Please put your suggestions on the tagboard. Thanks. Any other practical measures (as opposed to spiritual ones, which are already in place) for dealing with sadness are also much appreciated.
Over the years I've developed a system involving 1. dried ginger/lime/sng mui/etc 2. dark chocolate (in times of desperate need), 3. milk and bananas and 4. tom yam and other edible 'caustic fluids' (to create an alternative source of pain). However, I ate so much of them last year that I'm sick of them now. (Haha I know, I know, the fact that I am blessed enough to have access to all these things should make me happy - but the thing is, material things don't give me much pleasure - I'd rather live in a world without all these things than have what is making me sad...) Besides, too much chocolate would make me fat, which would make me feel even more depressed haha.
I know that one good thing to do is community service - but with wards etc and the depression itself I'm so tired every day I can't do anything of that sort. Reading Talley and Browse is another alternative, but sometimes the sadness actually prevents this from being possible. And reading (fiction, poetry, anything) doesn't help at all. I have been writing poetry, but that's about all and it doesn't help that much either.
Practical tips please. Thank you.
