Struggles With Pride
28.02.07 -
On Ditziness
Another MSN conversation (sequel to 'The Ethics Of Forgetting')
This was another conversation about pride that took place more than a week ago and really helped me to complete the train of thought begun at that time. Once again, parts that really hit home (haha can you call it rhema word if it's not from the Bible?) are in bold. Thanks to this friend for helping me to see that two issues I thought were separate (ditziness and 'the ethics of forgetting') were part of the same problem, and for keeping me grounded where pride is concerned :P
=================
Joanna says:
oh yes. on an unrelated note, am i really becoming too ditzy? or should i just welcome this change as an entry into yet another phase of life?
hmmm... are u becoming too ditzy?
maybe you could explain a little more what you mean?
Joanna says:
i dunno. too "teah" n whiny
cos i have been whining a lot more than i ever used to do!!
whining to who?
whining about?
Joanna says:
erm... just acting like a little girl i guess
n i laugh a lot n very loudly at jokes haha. though tt is not so much being ditzy as being chor lor.
hahaha...
Joanna says:
but both seem to be a sign of being more frivolous!!!
though perhaps it could be a sign of being more cheerful O_O
BUZZ!!!
PRIDE ALERT
=)
Joanna says:
?????
dun get it?
hahaha
Joanna says:
erm. pride at being sober or pride at being ditzy???
or just being too self-conscious altogether??
haha, would i be right to say that you are not all too comfortable with being 'ditzy' cos you are afraid that pple will stop taking you seriously?
haha, in the same way that if u start hanging around more with certain guys and then pple will start assuming that you've forgotten all about larry?
hahaha...
Joanna says:
heh. yeah spot on
erm. so your point is?
haha, what do u think my point is?
Joanna says:
that i should not care about what pple think?
hmmm, that's part of the answer that i would give i guess...
but the pt is not to NOT CARE about what other pple think...
ie, that's not the crux of this issue
if u ask me, the crux of this issue is this:
i believe that you know that there's some good in being more cheerful and uh... ditzy as u call it
you're warming up to pple more easily, making friends better, etc...
and disarming a lot of pple... and if u ask me, i think there's much benefit in that... not always for everyone, but for u, i would say, it's probably a good idea...
there's always a price to pay, however...
Joanna says:
haha so pple DO start taking you less seriously?
haha, i think i can identify with what you're feeling cos i've gone thru this myself...
haha, what did u think of me the first time u talked to me, and has that changed with these 1 and a half semesters?
Joanna says:
erm. yeah. ok i see what you mean
haha, what do i mean?
Joanna says:
about gg through a bit of a similar change yourself?
the first time i talked to you... as i said, i got the impression tt you were v 'smart'.... n now, i think if i were talking to you for the first time, i'd tend to get the impression tt you were v funny n disarming hehe
haha, but?
based on what u know about me, am i any different?
Joanna says:
i guess not
haha viks likes to tease me tt "oh no! i thought tt you were one of the few sane pple left... n now you're becoming a bimbo!"
haha, oh well, i dunno
i guess what i mean to say is this:
you're really very smart and very mature for most pple our age, and u're quite justified to think that no one understands what u're going thru
Joanna says:
ooh your words of flattery are balm to my soul n music for my ears
(nono, it's not really flattery, i'm trying to show u a major point...)
Joanna says:
hahaha k pray continue
so i suppose it's natural that you feel miffed that pple dun know it, and that's where all the tortured artists come from....
but u see, the thing is this, it then follows that, for anyone to understand what you're going thru, it will take
1) great intellect
2) without which, a lot of time, etc, to identify with u
so either ways, pple who don't know u are not going to understand u nor know you well
whether u act like a bimbo, or act like a tortured artist
do u see the point i'm coming to?
so in the end, it's still your pride
i meant that the price u pay is your pride
because when u finally understand that only God will fully understand what you are going thru
then all your pride and all that disappears, and u can be cheerful and not be bothered so much with what other pple think about u and your ditziness
Joanna says:
HAHAHAHAHA you cannot imagine how hugely entertained i am listening to these words of wisdom (n i think they really are v wise)!
haha, it's always the same thing, wisdom is not really telling new things, but repeating old things that nobody really caught
at the right time
Joanna says:
hooray!!!! yeah i get it. thanks for saying tt
yeah, but even with this new knowledge, i can assure u that it's not easy
everyday u will wish that someone will see what you are going thru
all your silent sufferings that no one else but God knows
Joanna says:
heh yeah thanks
but when u go through enough of it, haha sometimes, u are just too tired to explain to everyone, and just pour it all out back to God
Joanna says:
haha. i guess you have put your finger on it! but there was also a small other additional reason heh which is tt i don't want to lose the respect of friends whose opinion tt i really value haha.
[...]
haha, and u know that our opinion of u will not change so easily
=)
Joanna says:
erm. tt's nice to know
[...] any time i think u're acting too ditzily, i'll just log on to ur blog
and then i'll be like, oh ok, phew
she's still writing well... so she's just putting on a show
Joanna says:
heh i'm not just putting on a show leh... i think i'm assimilating this as another layer of identity... as i warm up to pple more... i am BECOMING... 'ditzy'... FOR REAL!!!
well... but are ur deep and important values and ideals eroding?
[...]
Joanna says:
haha. i guess not... maybe it doesn't hurt to be ditzy on the surface as long as there's still all that "cheemness" underneath hehe
haha, and at the end of the day
we have to remember that all cheemness is like... childish babbling to God
=)
Joanna says:
yeah true true
so yeah, there u go
Joanna says:
haha! thanks for being so encouraging!
haha, have i been encouraging?
i think i've only just... uh, criticised you for your pride
Joanna says:
oh i don't mind... i think you make me sharper
i mean abt iron sharpening iron
haha, alright, good to know... =)
Joanna says:
i feel better now abt my ditziness hehe
* * *
You Never Let Go
Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Chorus
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
* * *
The past year has been one of learning to live with constant pain, though I have been feeling it less and less and sometimes do not feel it at all. By the grace of God, His peace and joy has never deserted me and flavour has come back to my life - greatly so, as the past entries bear witness, and I have been richly blessed indeed! I would say that my life is fuller of joy than it ever was before, as God has drawn me closer to Him in my walk with Him, and shown me how to enjoy life much more! In fact, when Viks' friend Marcel came over for dinner once the conversation went something like (heh, well, roughly):
Marcel: Hi, Viks has told me a lot about you.
Me: What? What did he tell you?
Marcel: He said you were a depressed poet.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[after some time]
Marcel (to Viks): Hey, I thought you said she was a depressed poet?
Viks: Well, yeah, I forgot to mention that she's usually... cheery.
Hehe! Praise God! But of course sometimes it still comes, amidst all the laughing and joking with people. The turbulence of activities makes the water of daily life thrash and chuckle, but stiller and deeper than all this is still what matters most, and when one is forced to be still - before God, or in front of notes - in the stillness the pain hits hard, though when I am sad it is not because of anything that is happening in the present, but because of the hurt in the past. It is a lot more manageable, and in fact I would say that this "basal pain" is at a level much less than it used to be, when I was still struggling with all my questions about God, and then with regards to poetry.
I guess in my life there have been only 3 things which have caused me so much pain. The first was God, in the long lonely years during which I was struggling so much to know Him, though I felt I hated Him... and what joy it was to finally be able to know that He was real, and alive, and that He loved me.
The second was poetry, which caused me such torment through adolescence and even after I fled from it into Medicine. In fact it only released me this year, through the storm which God sent into my life, which actually freed me of many things which were causing me great pain! (More about this some other day.)
And the third is this hurt, which compared to the enormity of first two is not such a big hurt at all (though it is a subset of the second, just as the second is a subset of the first, and initially it did much to reawaken both the first two hurts).
But over the last year, talking it through with friends and God, I've come to realise that a lot of the continued hurt is due to pride and the desire to be understood - the hurt that "no one will ever know the truth" because "people can only know what they see", and my part in the story will never be seen. This is an instance where my habitual desire for 'exactitude' is thwarted - my insistence on factual accuracy. It will always be, and that is what has been upsetting me so: the fact that life goes on, and everyone forgets, even things which I would not have believed were possible to forget... except that it turns out that I am the only one who remembers. As I wrote:
What love dares thus to raise its head
When beaten down, when left for dead?
How could the dark produce this flower?
In silence whence could come its power?
Yet only that which boldly blooms
In sunlight is called sweet.
And that which flowers in the dark,
Forgotten, is forfeit.
- from The Silent Valentine (Feb 2007)
But, as above, this is the great lesson that has come out of it: the bad news - that we WILL never be fully understood, that we WILL be often misunderstood, that life is more or less ALL ABOUT being misunderstood on a daily basis... and the GOOD NEWS - that we are fully understood by God, and that that is all we really have to care about.
And I believe that God allowed everything sad that has happened in my life to happen for the express purpose of teaching me this lesson: teaching me to trust in Him above all, and to not be afraid to be misunderstood by all mankind, yes, even the whole human race, if this is what obeying God will lead to! To know that He understands, and feels, and loves, and will always strengthen and support. And to enjoy life in spite of all 'unfairness' and 'inexactitude', knowing that God sees all and will make sure all things pan out to be fair to everyone in the end. If the 'unfairness' of life is the price one pays for being faithful to God, then so be it - because in the end, He will make sure that justice is indeed done, He will make up for all 'unfairness' - and His hope is the only one which makes life worth living.
When I first realised this, that so much of my hurt came from pride and the desire to have approval in man's eyes.. to be fully understood in a way which really no one will be able to understand except God, it was a tremendous liberation - because this completely changes the way I live my life. All my life I have lived seeking to be understood by others - my every action, every undertaking has been geared to ensure that I can represent myself 'exactly' to other people, 'as I am', to avoid misunderstanding and to gain approval from man. I have sought to be good at what I do - I have sought excellence in reading, writing, drawing, to gather knowledge - not exactly to show off, but something close to it: to be able to build up a collection of good grades, creative pieces, in order to say, "this is who I am".
But now that I have accepted that God is the only one who will fully understand and that as far as humans are concerned misunderstanding is going to be a daily part of life, there is so much more freedom. Freedom from the feeling of resentment against people or against God when I cannot be 'understood' on earth, and the knowledge that God knows me fully and loves me for who I am even when no one else will be able to love me fully, because no one else CAN fully understand. Freedom from demanding of the people around me what they cannot give. Freedom from tying my self-worth or identity to tangible 'achievements' that declare what I can do and proclaim 'who I am' - which would at best be an imperfect proclamation.
Functionally, it does not change much; I will still continue to seek excellence in all that I do. But the reasons will be completely different -it will be for God (to please God), not for myself (to be understood). I know better now that my self-worth depends not on what I can 'achieve', but on the inner qualities which I am dependent on the Spirit to build - righteousness, holiness, kindness, gentleness etc. and that is where true worth comes from.
Wisdom has built her house;
she has hewn out its seven pillars.
She has prepared her meat and mixed her wine;
she has also set her table.
She has sent out her maids, and she calls from the highest point of the city.
"Let all who are simple come in here!"
she says to those who lack judgement.
"Come, eat my food
and drink the wine I have mixed.
Leave your simple ways and you will live;
walk in the way of understanding.
- Proverbs 9:1-6
A lot of this is what is said in the first 10 chapters of Proverbs. Proverbs is the book of the Bible that I read this time round when the pain came during this exam period. I was skeptical at first and thought, "what can God show me of COMFORT through Proverbs? Isn't proverbs just... proverbs?" It's a book I associate more with 'bits of advice' than with personal comfort, and in the past I've tended to read it for entertainment (it's one of the most interesting books in my opinion) rather than to answer a deep emotional need.
But God could and did speak amazingly, in a very personal and comforting way, through Proverbs. First, in Chapters 1-9, by reminding me that the qualities and principles I had fought hard to gain in my first two decades of life, and was now getting tired of standing by ("surely in vain have I kept my heart pure" - Psalm 73) or at least feeling that they were not enough recompense for the sadness gained by sticking to them - were indeed of far greater worth than material, worldly reward... kind of like Boethius haha. An elementary truth about which I was really in need of assurance at that point - and to hear God repeating it over and over for 9 chapters was very, deeply, comforting.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
- Proverbs 9:10
The subsequent chapters reinforce chapters 1-9, with examples that cover almost all areas of life that we can think of! Even after reading 1-9, I was skeptical that the rest of the book could continue to give me comfort. I said to God, "Dear God, you have to tell me something which will make me NOT CARE that no one else sees my hurt... which will make me NOT SAD that everything has been forgotten... NOT SAD that things that I care so much about are thought stupid by others... NOT SAD that self-control is always going to make me lose success as the world sees it... NOT SAD to be a 'loser' in everyone else's eyes... NOT SAD to stick to ideals that others consider outmoded and archaic and stand by them. Can you use PROVERBS, factual PROVERBS, to give me this comfort?"
Haha. Duh.. or this entry would not have been written. As I read chapters 10-15, I saw this reassurance and comfort EVERYWHERE, in a most loving and personal way. After five chapters I stopped for the night: I had gotten the comfort I needed - God had raised me out of the darkest moods of the human heart. And I have come to the conclusion that, really, Proverbs is a book that gives courage - that reassures the weary runner of the race, "Yes, yes, keep going! You're heading the right way!" Along the way I may have to give up the laurels of this world (coughcough HAHAHAHA get it? get it? haha) - the symbols of human affection, respect and understanding - "but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."
Wait! That's not all! There is an even better coda to this story. What I have just described took place over a few occasions. The last of them was Monday night (Claris knew that I wasn't studying heh).. and my session of reading Proverbs and praying ended up with me asking God to increase my vocabulary of tongues (another tip I got from the Susan Tang books). Speaking in tongues means praying in a new language that God gives you through his Holy Spirit, and it's a gift from God that allows one's prayers to be more powerful and personal. It's another long story, but I've never been able to speak much in tongues... in the past it's just been the same few syllables over and over again, which discouraged me from praying in tongues very often - like many 'intellectuals', I found the gift of tongues a very hard one to receive at all (something that's easy for most other people), and even when I did - it's been at n00b stage all this time.
And on Monday night, 26 Feb 2007, immediately after I asked, God really did increase my tongues vocabulary. He loosened my tongue and enabled me to speak more than ONE word at a time for the first time! In fact, it FLOWED! And now I can go on for as long as I want! I remembered how Andrew long ago shared about his first experience of speaking in tongues... when he finally got it, he was so excited that he just spoke it for one hour hahaha. And that was exactly what I did! I was really happy and that's more or less what I did for the next hour haha... and all the way through NUH and back up to KE hall :P
And that allowed me also to completely shut the hurt out of my heart :) and well, I guess that while time will never make the intrinsic sad-worthiness of sad things grow any less, knowing that God understands allows us to accept them and live with them :P
In the last few days, now that I am liberated by the knowledge that I need not fear misunderstanding by man, nor ultimately injustice, even though I may perceive life to be unjust, I have resolved to 'go into strict training' - to be more focused on being faithful to God and dying to self, to be more focused on what I have been increasingly reminded is more important than enjoying oneself - on striving for holiness. It won't be easy. But "if my God is with me / Whom then shall I fear?"
* * *
Reminder to Self
Sometimes as we're running the race, we get strung out and it seems that we're running alone... We start wondering if we're going the wrong way, or if we're ever going to reach the next milestone, or if we're ever going to have a companion to run alongside. And we see people running off the track, taking short cuts, which we have been warned not to take, and yet they seem to lead to fresh springs and cool valleys, and it seems stupid to remain on the track, which goes on and on with no hope of respite. People are taking breaks, loitering by the wayside.. even calling out to us in a well-meaning way, "Don't be so hard on yourself!" People are having picnics even though it is a race, not a picnic! And on we go, running the race, because we were told not to stop, because ALL of us were told not to stop - and yet it seems that everyone else is stopping... and where are all the other runners?
But we are strung out because it is a long-distance race, and although we cannot see them, there are many other people running the same race; it's just that, when we run the best we can, we will be faster than those behind us and for long periods we may be alone... But as with all races in which many people run, there will be company; we will catch up with those in front, or be caught up with from behind, and as long as we keep running and doing our best, which is all that is asked of us, and do not stop - that is where the true victory in living lies. And if we only lift our heads up to notice, we will see that there is the cloud of witnesses (Heb 12:1) that is standing at the side cheering us on - those who have already completed the race now lining the track and showing that - yes, there is a finish line! yes, it can be done!
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27
