Friends / Banana Pie Recipe
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02.04.07

Quotes from David's REAL birthday celebration

Me: Both Sirui and David are that type of people who look good in black!
Sirui: Er...haha... You know why? It's because we're both fat!

[Haiyah.. they're not lah...]

* * *

Trying to make sense of David's anat group's "family tree" - on hindsight, it must be an Ng thing...

Me: David, why is Huiyu your 'mother'?

David: Er, I forgot how come already...

Huiyu (going red): Oh no! I remember now! It's very embarrassing! Cannot say one! No wonder I forgot it! It's incestuous!

Me: Haha, who's the father?

Huiyu: Hahaha... It's Sirui! That's why... He's supposed to be my younger brother...

David: Wah, really? Sirui's my father?

* * *

Sirui furiously denies his paternity of David

Sirui (stunned): WHAT? I'm David's father? No way! It can't be true! I'm not David's father! I'm not his father!

Huiyi: It is true I'm afraid... he's your son!
[Up to this point it was so funny because they were reacting with such stereotypical lines... then it got funnier because..]
Huiyu: It's in the script! Jeremy Mong made it like that during one of the lunches!

Me: Hahahahaha!! And who's Jeremy?

Sirui: ....The scriptwriter...

* * *

Apparently there's a family for the Lees too...

Me: Isn't Kokwei supposed to be somebody's grandfather?

Huiyu: Haha, yeah, he's Janise's grandpa... Different family!

* * *

Wah last week was such a busy week! On Monday me Viks and Aeshan met our layout i/c to discuss the draft of the newsletter, on Tuesday Ben and Linus and I had dinner with Stephen (a regular Mind Broadening Session), on Thursday I went to two meetings back-to-back; the Med VCF CG-cum-sharing session, followed by Hall Leaders' forum. (When I say 'meeting' I don't mean that it was a boring admin thing lah... God has really been present at all our meetings, and they've been enjoyable, good chances to share about one's strongest thoughts and get to know each other.) The last one was the subcomm handover meeting on Friday. I was quite grumpy and tired by that time heh, and rather reluctant to go, but I'm glad I did in the end cos everyone brightened up during the session. Ben and I are quite excited about next year... as we've been seeking God during this time, He has put some common passions in our hearts and ideas in our brains haha... the focus and direction will be a bit different and the change will be, I think, for the better :)

And two big events: 1. "six", the Dramafest on Friday, to which I rushed after the subcomm meeting. This was a collaboration between 3 of the halls - KE, KR and Eusoff - to put up 6 short plays, shuffling scripts, directors and cast members! :) This is the first time a collaboration like that has ever been done; it was held in conjunction with the NUS Arts Festival as an ExxonMobil Campus Concert.

I went to support all the KE actors of course (who included Viks, Zichun and Dawn), as well as to see the short play that my murder-mystery-spoof script had become. To my utter horror, I was late (I should have left the previous meeting earlier lah) and missed "my" own play haha :P but thankfully it was recorded, and I hope I can obtain the video recording lah.

Zichun, who as a cast member saw all the plays during rehearsal, had sent me an SMS beforehand warning me that all the other plays were depressing and "emo" heh. I was prepared to sit them out if they proved to be too depressing haha because I was feeling rather out of sorts. Thankfully, I was rewarded by the fact that it was very good! For an inaugural event, I wasn't expecting anything up-there, but the acting was all pretty good, and the plays were well thought-out and well done. And although many of them were sad because they were about relationships that were a wrong form of what relationships should be - themes like wife-beating, child abuse, schizophrenia, bereavement, Alzheimer's disease.. and a star turn from Viks in Al Pacino's role in an adaptation of Scent Of A Woman.. I realised that I don't get depressed by these "emo" plays any longer - hospital wards are full of such stories.

2. David's birthday celebration on Saturday (his real birthday was a week before) - we went to Siam Kitchen at Suntec City. A great time when we could all catch up and see people we haven't talked to for a few postings... for months! - Kokwei, Ernest, Shao Hui, MC, Joo Shiang, Jeremy Mong, David himself, Neela, Huiyu, Yi Zhong, Izuan, Changwei, Sirui, Wei Di, me (and Eunice and Dawn made it just in time for the cake!) - It's so nice seeing everyone again :P it's been so LONG since we had the chance to spend time as a group despite all being in the same class! Heh in fact I was so happy when I could catch a few lunch breaks with David and Mohana and Neela (who were doing Emed) in TTSH this last posting. It's been ages!

Heh all these are friends whom, at one time or another, I have a) gone jogging with [wow... 7 of them!] b) gone on holiday with c) been in the same anat group as d) celebrated other birthdays with e) sat with in LT f) had movie marathons with, or many of the above... and ideally it would be nice to see them more often... :P ah well, it's really good to get together like that! And then you find out that actually some of you have clerked the same patients (eg one in Emed and another in Psych Med in the same hospital), or been through the same postings with the same tutors (and then compare horror stories), etc etc... And I guess because moments with each other are so few and far between, the smallest things became cause for much laughter... eg when Joo Shiang's curry took a long time to come and he looked like a poor man with only steamed rice to eat...

And of course there's David himself, whom I've known for more than 5 years by now... Haha come to think of it he hasn't really grown up much during that time :D :D (no lah, joking.. He has grown a lot lah... Though maybe not grown up fully hehe :D) And come to think of it we've gone through a great many things together - VJ class, Bio Olympiad and Bio 'S', Med quiz, Med school, hall life (for 1 sem), Bible study, grocery shopping, BBQs, class chalets, many friends' birthdays, movie marathons, and much teasing hahaha.. He's been forced to 'propose' to me (albeit 'in character'), sent me lovey-dovey SMSes from his phone (fake ones whose REAL senders were Sirui and Neela of course), tried to matchmake me (and STILL DOES)... What would we do without jacket-stealing, earring-flicking, treat-imploring, cookie-consuming David? :D A very happy birthday to him haha and may God bless him abundantly in the year ahead!

Anyway with all the talk of Korean serials and electives and reflections on postings and catching up and doing silly things, we hung around the restaurant even after it closed and we'd been kicked out just standing around and talking cos no one wanted to leave :P

And I have discovered that Neela gets food dreams haha... That's a genre of dreams I don't get, more's the pity! Neela gets these dreams devoted to a certain food dish in which she can taste it (!!), and it feels like she's eating it in real life haha... and then when she wakes up she wants to eat it very badly! :) And now she can't wait for Jeremy Mong to make his tiramisu again haha which he and Rodney made during our last movie marathon because she dreamt about it on Sunday night hahaha (which proves how good it is! :D)

Speaking of which, I'm already getting nice ideas for the 3 weeks of break we have in June... I'm not going anywhere for the holiday, and I've realised that 3 weeks at home would be a great opportunity to bake a lot and cook a lot and have mass baking sessions and movie marathons! :D aw man! that'd be so fun! and we could try out different things like making cakes and different desserts and pies! And could even have cross-country cycling trips after that to work off the sugar and plan a route that includes our friends' houses - like a treasure hunt trail, only we'd leave something at each house (like a cookie or something) to show that we'd been there haha :) man... I can't wait to do crazy things like that! :)

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30.03.07

Another translation

Tong Hua (lit. Children's Story or Fairytale)
Guang Liang

It's been a long time
Since I last heard you
Tell me the tales you loved most to read
I've thought a long time
I'm getting worried
Did I do something wrong this time again?

You cry, and say to me
These children's stories are just lies
I cannot be Prince Charming for you
Maybe you do not know
Since you first said you loved me
The stars have come to shine in my sky

For you I'd take on the role
Of the angel in your tale
I'd spread my arms
Make them wings to shelter you
You must believe
Must believe, we can live, like the stories tell
Happily ever after too

You cry, and say to me
These children's stories are just lies
I cannot be Prince Charming for you
Maybe you do not know
Since you said that you loved me
The stars have come to shine in my sky

I want to take on the role
Of the angel in your tale
Spread out my arms
Make them wings to shelter you
You must believe
Must believe we can live, like the stories tell
Happily ever after too

Yes, I will take on the role
Of the angel in your tale
I'll spread my arms
Make them wings to shelter you
You must believe
Must believe we can live, like the stories tell
Happily ever after too



ni mei you zuo cuo shen me.

P.S. if i have not translated correctly, i apologise!

====================

29.03.07

Consolation, Elizabeth Barrett Browning

All are not taken; there are left behind
Living Belovèds, tender looks to bring
And make the daylight still a happy thing,
And tender voices, to make soft the wind:
But if it were not so—if I could find
No love in all this world for comforting,
Nor any path but hollowly did ring
Where 'dust to dust' the love from life disjoin'd;
And if, before those sepulchres unmoving
I stood alone (as some forsaken lamb
Goes bleating up the moors in weary dearth)
Crying 'Where are ye, O my loved and loving?'—
I know a voice would sound, 'Daughter, I AM.
Can I suffice for Heaven and not for earth?'

========================

26.03.07

PTSD
For Dawn

There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
The earth, and every common sight,
To me did seem
Apparelled in celestial light,
The glory and the freshness of a dream.
It is not now as it hath been of yore -
Turn whereso'er I may,
By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.

- Wordsworth

According to the tutorial we had today on post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), I displayed all the PTSD symptoms in my break-ups, especially last year's fiasco :P

The tutor today didn't really give a 'scientific textbook' tutorial - he defined PTSD as what happens when our core assumptions about life (eg that it is safe for us to go about our everyday business, that there is a certain degree of logic to everyday proceedings) are shattered. He drew a line on the board to represent our thoughts about life before disaster strikes, and then when disaster strikes, instead of continuing in the same course, life becomes a line that continues along a course parallel to it, and there is a gap between the two - between our assumptions about life and our present perceptions of life (how it's unsafe, we can't trust anyone, life is scary etc).

Hence the flashbacks that occur all the time in someone with PTSD - the brain is replaying the traumatic incident over and over again, trying to bridge the gap between the two and reconcile what 'life should be' with what life is now perceived to be. Until the gap can be bridged, the brain will return again and again to the trauma, both in waking life (as flashbacks) and when asleep (as nightmares).

This is the reason for PTSD - the inability of the brain to bridge the gap. Until the person can re-calibrate their assumptions of 'what life should be', and realise that 'what life is perceived to be' is not always as bad as it was at the point of the disaster, so that the two lines can be re-created to meet along the same course, the PTSD will not be resolved.

There are 3 main groups of symptoms in PTSD:

1. Intrusive thoughts / memories (flashbacks, nightmares
2. Hyperarousal
a) of the mind, i.e. hypervigilance, distractible, irritable, cannot sleep;
b) of the autonomic system, i.e. tachycardia, chest tightness, shortness of breath, diarrhoea;
c) of the motor system, i.e. restlessness.
3. Avoidance of triggers of flashbacks / reminders of incident.

Hmm.. In the aftermath of my disastrous affaires de coeur, I displayed every single one of these symptoms (well, maybe with the exception of diarrhoea) :P I think most people don't realise how deeply I can feel about things, and how much some things can affect my internal, creative life and all my dreams.

I dreamt about you every night.
Every night. What does that mean?
After you first said you loved,
And after you left, eight months clean -
Every night another dream.

- from The Silent Valentine

But on reflection, I don't think the amount of heartbreak a girl suffers on the breakup is necessarily a gauge of how much "love" she had for the guy, because as I've said, love is a choice - no point trying to enforce that choice when there's no hope for it in practical terms. The severity of the symptoms though does point though to how much damage was done to her worldview.

Ironically, in my case, before the reconciliation between my past view of the world and the reality of what the world is like could be achieved, what was actually needed was a dichotomy - I had to realise that I was confusing my vision of what the world should be, and how perfect people would behave, with what the world is really like, and how sinful people do behave. Once it is possible to recognise that the two are not the same, the new understanding of what the world IS like (imperfect, hurtful) can be reconciled with what one has experienced, because that is reconciliable.

How to reconcile the imperfect state of the world with that perfect vision though of what 'things should be'? Only God could achieve that reconciliation, through an enormous sacrifice - that of His Son. But the reconciliation has been achieved, and is ours to claim.

* * *

I guess everyone would show PTSD symptoms to some degree after a traumatic event until they are able to resolve it - until they are able to reconcile the 'assumptions of the certainty of life' prior to the trauma with the 'perceived uncertainty of life' at the point of trauma, in order to arrive at a new equilibrium after the trauma. The length of time it takes to reconcile the two is not a reflection of the intensity of the trauma, but of the nature of the person trying to cope with it.

Some people just take longer than others. And often those who take longer than others (unless they're just weak) take longer because they felt a lot more deeply about what life 'should be', and may have been closer to begin with to 'the vision splendid' which Wordsworth laments 'fades into the light of common day' as one grows up. Although because of the tenacity with which they cling to what 'things should be', they experience more anguish while trying to cast off the assumptions and watch the glory pass away and fade into common day, they are rewarded for their tenacity in the end by coming out a lot stronger than those who pass the trial effortlessly, scarcely having recognised it as a trial.

While dealing with my own so-called 'PTSD', I heard awful suggestions from people around me as to how I should throw away the 'assumptions' so as to better resolve them with reality. But that's not the way. The way is to hold on to the vision of what life should be and can be, while arriving at a practical way of how to live the reality and taking steps to protect ourselves from being taken advantage of in the real world, which is uglier than the vision, but which also will not always be as bad as it was at the point of the trauma.

And sometimes having the vision of what things could be actually makes the real world easier to deal with. Because you know that when the real world diverges from the 'world that should be', it is not that it is because 'the world that should be' is wrong, but that the real world is wrong. And there will always be that absolute vision to hold on to, just as there will always be the Creator of that absolute vision to talk to, hold on to and have confidence in to enable us to live with the confidence and the joy as if we were living in that perfect world, even when we are really living in the real world with all its dangers. Because He is the Lord of that perfect world that He has placed in our heads and hearts, as well as the Lord of the imperfect world which we live in. And we always have this hope: that after we die and finally escape from this imperfect world, we will find that we go on living in that perfect world (which, in a sense, we have always known), and find that it is the only REAL world - far more real than the human, imperfect reality in which we now live.

As for my PTSD, it has resolved with one big beneficiary of the process: me! I think I am a lot stronger now to take the blows and disappointments of life, a lot less wimpy in the face of unexpected misfortune. I no longer expect or even ask that things go my way all the time, and am prepared for the worst to happen - I know that it won't kill me, and it won't kill the absolute truths that I live for.

I have become more aware of how to protect myself, to make myself less vulnerable to the world. I am prepared at every moment to be betrayed by friends, to be let down by people. I have strong defences now; my guard is up in areas that did not use to be guarded before I had experienced hurt from not taking precautions. Humans are not what one can count on in this life. And yet that doesn't stop me from making friends and trusting people - it's just that I will not be surprised if they betray me, that's all. That's human nature; it's the way life is. But the more we learn that human nature is flawed, that life can hurt and be dangerous, it does not mean that we enjoy life any less; we can still enjoy the beauty of the vision of what life can be, of what it is in our power to change about the world for the better. In fact, the more we realise we live in a world we cannot count on, the more we can throw ourselves on God's mercy and experience the beauty of life lived by trust in God. Even mortal life can still be beautiful in spite of it all; as Wordsworth says,

The Clouds that gather round the setting sun
Do take a sober colouring from an eye
That hath kept watch over man's mortality;
Another race has been, and other palms are won.
Thanks to the human heart by which we live,
Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears,
To me the meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears

but one realises, through all this, that the greatest beauty in this life comes not of this world.

======================

25.03.07

Banana Pie!

Must-see links: After writing about Kubla Khan in my last post, I went online and found this article, a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the poem, which is SO FUNNY I laughed until I nearly died. Go read it! I was nearly collapsing when I read the comments on the part about "ancestral voices prophesying war". And wait till you get to the part about 'Star Wars'!

Incidentally, I also went to look up the real Kublai Khan on Wikipedia, cos I realised I knew next to nothing about him. And guess what? Kublai Khan is the Mongol ruler who conquered China and founded the Yuan dynasty (in 1271). His hanyu pinyin name is "Hu1-bi4-lie4 Han4". Xanadu is Shangdu.

* * *

Anyway, I had a terrific weekend. It was so therapeutic!

I finally baked the banana pie I'd been longing to bake :P I combined two apple pie recipes and substituted bananas for the apples and I'm pleased to say it was a success!

For good or for bad, I forgot that bananas are sweeter than apples, and so I added way too much sugar (1 cup!!) and it turned out ultra-sweet. The teenagers in youth group including my brother loved it though :) So did, unfortunately, my diabetic grandmother, who was not supposed to eat any but, according to my auntie, ended up eating half a slice before she could stop herself O_O

Hehe I didn't know how it'd turn out until I cut the first slice of pie! It was wonderful! However, because bananas are softer than apples, I did not dare cook them beforehand as one does with apples (I was afraid they'd all liquefy and turn brown or something). The only downside of this was that when I first cut the pie, quite a lot of water gushed out hahaha (ok not that much - just enough to fill the space of the slice that had been removed... but it was quite comical). I saved the water because it tasted really good (I call it water but it was more like banana essence syrup). Still, to avoid this the next time, I've added the 'banana prep.' step to the recipe :)

Here's the recipe, if anyone's interested, since I cobbled it together:

Banana Pie for banana freaks... like me! :D
Preheat oven to 180 deg C.
Bake pie crust base for 15 min first. (It is probably a good idea to bake the cut bananas at the same time - see below later)
Fill with the filling.
Cover with pie crust top and bake for 15-20 min.

Pie Crust
My mother's invention - this is the simplest and best crust recipe ever! It has no sugar, but is quite buttery and soft in a crumbly way without being dense or mushy, which makes it a delicious companion to the sweeter fillings - the sweeter the filling in fact the more grateful one is for the no-sugar crust. Unfortunately, measurements are in ounces, which I hate to use because ounces are a WEIGHT measurement, not a volume measurement, so the ounce-calibrated measuring cup that my mother has is useless as it's calibrated for liquids and not flour. (The Americans make everything so complicatedly simple...)

- 8 Oz plain flour (about 225 g)
- 2 Oz self-raising flour (about 55 g)
- 6 Oz butter (170g... oh just weigh it lah)

Method: Rub in to the consistency of breadcrumbs, then add as much water as necessary to make the breadcrumbs into dough. Use abt 2/3 for pie base and save 1/3 to cover pie later. My mother and I usually roll it between 2 sheets of cling film, to forestall the problem of it sticking to the rolling pin - and because then the cling film supports it while you flip it into the pie pan. REMEMBER TO MAKE HOLES IN IT WITH FORK BEFORE PUTTING INTO OVEN so that it won't crumble when it expands.

Banana Prep.
1. Slice 8 bananas. I like chunky filling so I sliced them transversely (into pieces abt 0.5 cm thick). Depending on your personal preference, you can slice them thicker or thinner or even mush them up (then you'd get the McDonald's banana turnover).

2. Optional step (as I said, I didn't do this, but will try it the next time): Put banana slices into oven to bake for abt 15 min (maybe at the same time that you put the pie base in?). The purpose of this is to release the water (about 1/4 cup) that's in the banana so that your pie is less watery later. The water released is banana-flavoured, so you could save it to reuse for the filling. If you leave out this step, nothing will happen except that when you make the first cut in your completed pie, about 1/4 cup rich liquid (because of the butter and sugar too) will flow out (a bit of a pity unless you save it to drizzle over pie slices)!

Filling
- 1/2 cup butter (I just used the remaining 80g from the 250g bar of butter that had 170g taken out already)
- 3 tablespoons plain flour (or a bit more also can)
- Water (or banana water released from banana prep)
- 1/2 cup sugar (brown or white, or both) - when I used 1 cup, it was really, really sweet. (In fact I think the sugar can even be dispensed with completely, but of course then it won't taste so addictive.)

Method: Melt the butter in a saucepan / pot. Stir in flour to form a paste. Add water and sugar. Bring to a boil and let simmer.

What I did next was to arrange all the banana slices to cover the pie base, sprinkle liberally with cinnamon, and pour some of the butter/sugar mixture over it... then repeat the process with a few more layers of the banana slices until all the pie was filled. Cover with crust and bake for another 20 min, or until crust is lightly brown. (REMEMBER TO MAKE HOLES IN CRUST WITH FORK BEFORE PUTTING IN OVEN.) This crust remains quite pale, so don't worry if it doesn't turn brown though :P

(Note: However, because this method involves baking the bananas TWICE, I'm not sure how it'll turn out. Maybe if it doesn't turn out nice I'll just go back to my original method of not baking the bananas beforehand and risking the water. I thought that this time the consistency was just right actually, the bananas were still yellow and reasonably chunky :) I might not like a pie with softer bananas from being twice-baked.)

With some great company and help, I also baked [using Faith's wonderful chocolate chip cookie recipe] cookies for Susan (to cheer her up), David (birthday), Ching Mien and Wai Kit (belated birthday), and Grandpa Viks (which I've owed him for a long time), had some left over for the youth group pig-out session, and packed some for my brother who's going to OCS :) To the dismay of Uncle Alex-Aunt Agony-Ah Boy-Zichun, I'm afraid, there was none left for a second round for him... so he has to join the waiting list.. or wait for his next birthday :P PS: GRANDPA, PLEASE SIT DOWN AND DO YOUR WORK! :D we are rooting for you to finish it all! er, as rapidly as you did the cookies! heh :)

Who else wants to join the waiting list? :) haha due to the limited number of my free weekends though, I'm afraid you'll have to wait till your next birthday or my next free weekend to get your cookies (and the former is likely to occur sooner than the latter)!

I also went for a long run today to Pasir Ris, my first run in a month! Hadn't been running because of my cold-that-turned-into-ear infection that robbed me of my voice for 2 days and my hearing for 2 weeks :P I finished my antibiotics last Sunday, so this week I figured I was completely recovered :) After that went to Changi Airport for mini-JC reunion; welcoming of Ben Tay back from the UK + supposed-to-be-David-and-Eugene's-birthday-celebration-but-end-up-only-Eugene (haha the story of how David didn't turn up and we had to sing his birthday song.. and he had to pretend to blow his candles... over a HANDPHONE... is a classic!)

Also finished reading The Dyer's Hand, the best of Auden's essays (and one of my most valued books), which I'd been reading over the last few months :)

What a fantastic weekend :) (and I didn't totally goof off - I managed to do some Pubs Comm stuff in between!) I guess sometimes one has to create one's own holidays since the university will not create them for you (especially on this occasion, when we went straight into this posting after our exam) :) Finally I feel that this is my break after the last exam!

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22.03.07

Hypnotism! An evaluation

Guess what! Today I was hypnotised! :) And it was really a very interesting experience.

I volunteered for the demonstration on hypnosis that was given by one of the doctors at TTSH (a respectable old doctor who's been doing this in a hospital setting for 30 years). K let me explain a bit first - I'd never have thought I would want to be hypnotised before today, for two reasons: 1. the same reason I don't like to drink alcohol, because I don't want to 'lose control' of myself and do anything embarrassing, and 2. because as a Christian I wasn't sure whether it would allow negative supernatural forces to creep in, as in those forms of transcendental meditation when, in a process similar to hypnosis, one is asked to 'empty one's mind' etc - which, to Christians, should set off alarm bells, because an 'empty' mind - i.e. one which is no longer controlled by the teachings of God - is susceptible to the entry of evil spirits (to be brief; this is not an entry about the Christian beliefs on demons etc).

However, after listening to the question-and-answer session (at which we asked him EVERYTHING about hynosis we could think of) and the lecture on clinical hypnosis (i.e. hypnosis used in a medical setting for therapeutic purposes, as opposed to stage hypnosis, which is done for shock value and entertainment at the subjects' expense), I was quite assured that in this setting no harm would come to me if I volunteered for hypnosis.

From the description of the doctor, it sounded like I might even have experienced a similar state before in the course of everyday life - a hypnotic state is the brain taken to a particular level of consciousness, such as one might experience when engrossed in a book or experiencing a poem or dropping off in a lecture (haha). Whatever it was, I was interested to find out what it would feel like - then I would be in a better position to know what exactly it was, whether there was anything spiritually wrong with it (might as well dispel doubts once and for all), and so that I could explain it to patients next time. And after all, as a creative being, the curiosity to experience a state of suspension of the critical faculty was too strong to resist :)

So since everyone else didn't want to, I volunteered! Kram had to give up his comfy chair for me haha. And with 14 curious pairs of eyes looking on, expecting something dramatic to happen, the demonstration began...

...and hypnosis proved to be primarily a relaxation technique, but honed to a degree of finesse that made it a very powerful tool.

First, to kick-start the relaxation process (because we were all a bit nervous and giggly and, although I didn't say it, I was actually having stage fright), the doctor asked me to put both feet on the floor and my hands on my lap (a more 'serious' posture) and to: 1. concentrate on my hand, 2. concentrate on breathing steadily in and out, 3. concentrate on his voice. Then he started the half-expected hypnotist's patter - the soothing, 'you are feeling more relaxed', 'you are breathing in and out', 'you are feeling your body grow more and more calm' etc etc, which I think is the biggest factor in hypnosis.

Unfortunately, there was a false start, because when he got to 'your eyelids are getting heavier... you feel like closing them', it was such a stereotypical line that I had to control my giggles with a great effort (and I didn't want to offend him because he was being so kind and earnest!), and I couldn't help saying out loud (because I really was trying to understand his instruction), "am I supposed to close my eyes when they close automatically or simply when I feel like closing them?" Everyone laughed because the spell in the room was broken; the doctor looked at me in a rather pained way hahaha and said, "That's the critical faculty, that we're trying to suspend in hypnosis" - so well, we started again, and this time when my eyelids felt heavy I just decided to close my eyes when I felt a strong blink coming, except that I wouldn't open them after I'd blinked them shut.

As he had explained before, and I now found out for myself, it is not the doctor who is 'putting you to sleep', but you yourself who wants to relax and to be put to "sleep", and the doctor's voice only talks you through that process. So I realised that this would never work unless I wanted it to, and I had to consciously tell myself, yes I want this to happen, I want to feel what it's like to be hypnotised - and I realised that the more one concentrated on his voice the more relaxed one would become, so I concentrated on his voice. (Based on this experience, I feel that anyone who does not take the hypnotist's voice seriously will definitely not be able to be hypnotised. One cannot be hypnotised 'against one's will' in that sense because one can walk away at any time - unless one is restrained, which is something more sinister altogther and outside of medical practice; that belongs to the torture chamber and the cult). Eg my eyelids could only feel heavy because I was concentrating on him saying that they were feeling heavy - it was a natural part of the relaxation process.

So after I closed my eyes, he used that technique where you tell someone to imagine themselves relaxing, muscle by muscle - imagine all the muscle fibres in limbs relaxing one by one, imagine that all the muscles in your thigh are relaxing, the adductors and the hamstrings, etc etc. Haha and cos I'm a medical student he could actually name all the muscle groups and I'd imagine them relaxing, so I guess it was effective (though I was trying not to smile at the thought of this revision of anatomy hahaha). And of course, by obeying, I did relax - I found that I entered what is known as the 'light trance' state - the 'first level' of hypnosis, so to speak.

It simply felt like I had the degree of physical relaxation that I would have if I were asleep, except that my mind was still conscious - I could still think my own thoughts if I wanted, and at any point of time I could have opened my eyes (there was always a temptation to 'peek'). But since I was trying to concentrate on his voice I minimised the number of 'own thoughts', and since I didn't want to spoil the hypnosis process I didn't open my eyes.

Hypnosis can bring one into a number of levels of altered consciousness, the first being the 'light trance' state, then deeper than that would be the 'deep trance' state, and you can go into deeper and deeper levels, even until you reach coma. I suspect that if I had gone into the next level the physical relaxation would have been more profound, i.e. I would have slumped in the chair and been unable to open my eyes even if I'd wanted to, but I believe that I would still have been capable of 'conscious thoughts', although it would have required a greater effort of will to break out of the state had I wanted to. But I guess I did not want to let myself go so completely into a state when I wouldn't have been able to open my eyes even if I'd wanted to (or might have started drooling!), and because I was scared of that I didn't let myself go into it lah.

And now I understand how hypnosis actually 'works', which I didn't get simply from hearing a description of it. It really does work through the power of suggestion to the subconscious mind. Because - let me describe what that state feels like. It's not that you cannot 'think your own thoughts' - you can. But it's just that you're so relaxed physically, so comfortable I guess, that you just don't feel like doing any physical actions other than what the voice (which is talking you into the relaxed state) tells you to do. You don't want to give yourself any physical commands, and are content to obey the physical commands of the voice.

Eg I can understand why someone in that state, when told to raise a hand, would raise a hand. Because, to refuse would break the spell you see - if you refused, you'd immediately tense up again, because you would now be 'disobeying' what the voice - which is helping to keep you relaxed - is telling you to do - so its power to help you relax is also going to go. And you would be giving yourself a command, which would mean 'waking up'. This is a feeling that everyone has experienced before. It's like when you're on the verge of waking up in the morning, and you KNOW that if you move your leg, you will wake up, and if you don't, you'll remain asleep... and most people, if they had nothing on, would choose to laze in bed a while more and do their best NOT to make a conscious movement which would wake them up.

Similarly, being under hypnosis is kind of like deliberately being lazy and wanting to let the voice decide for you rather then deciding for yourself. Under hypnosis, you can choose to disobey - but then you would no longer be hypnotised, you see, and you'd break that state.

The feeling is also kind of akin to when you're engrossed in a very good book and don't want to tear your brain away by having to make any conscious decisions. In that state, if someone told you to raise your left hand, you'd probably just raise it without bothering to argue because arguing would break your concentration, and you'd just rather not have to make any other decisions with your brain. (For me, if I had been asked to raise my left hand, I know I would have in order not to break the state of relaxation I was in, but my greatest problem would have been to refrain from giggling and breaking the 'spell' that way. At a deeper level, even my 'giggle' faculty might have been suspended and I would therefore have been at less risk of breaking out of the hypnotic state.)

At the state I was at, one is fully aware of what the request means and if it were something one didn't want to do, one wouldn't do it eg if you were told to jump off a cliff while reading your book, you wouldn't! You CAN still evaluate the rightness or wrongness of an action - hypnosis suspends the critical faculties, but it does not disable them. I can understand how at deeper levels, though, people might be convinced to do things that they would normally think was ridiculous, and how people can be manipulated through hypnosis, because the 'laziness' would be much greater - cos you want to obey the voice, not make the effort to run counter to it.

Having had a small taste of hypnosis, although it was very small, the feeling that I got was that at deeper levels of hypnosis one could also consciously refuse to do an action, but that would depend on how right or wrong one felt the action to be, and the decision that one arrived at when one weighed the importance of refusing to do it against the effort of having to break against the 'laziness' caused by deep relaxation. (This is akin to how, in Star Wars, Jedi mind-tricks can only be performed on people who are 'weak-minded'... and how Tycho could not be brainwashed through human torture methods because his loyalty to the Rebellion was too strong...)

I believe that for someone who has a very strong moral sense, or a very strong sense of needing to preserve their dignity, no hypnosis could persuade them to commit an act that they considered immoral or ridiculous, respectively. Again, a sleep analogy can be used: it's like waking yourself out of a nightmare or an undesirable dream. If it is very scary, you CAN tell yourself, "this is a nightmare", and wake yourself up - or sometimes it's so scary that you just wake up. The brain is not stupid, it has its own checks and balances for the owner's peace of mind, and these apply as much to hypnosis as to the natural sleep state. However, I guess people who lack the ability (or self-awareness) to wake themselves out of nightmares would be unable to 'wake' themselves out of hypnosis too. And anyone who, in waking life, was already not sure of what is wrong or right / good or evil could be persuaded to commit an evil action under hypnosis, I think, when one's fear of social rebuke has been removed (i.e. cos hypnosis removes your consciousness of 'external' factors, and if you don't already have the internal factors to prevent you from doing something, well then, I guess you'd be likely to do it).

I can also understand how people can be hypnotised into being unable to 'see' a person eg if told that he was invisible (a stage trick that Zichun told me about). Because in such a case, it wouldn't be that their brains were unable to see the person - they would still receive input of that person through their eyes, etc. But at the level of processing information, the brain would be unable to receive the message that "there is a man standing there" because it had already been suggested to them that they could not see what their eyes told them was there. So that particular message would be blocked - their brain would 'filter out' whatever contradicted whatever had already been suggested to them. The hypnotist's suggestion would already be the baseline, the 'fact' to which their universe, their awareness of the surrounding was reprogrammed, and no perceptions which contradicted that would be allowed to pass as fact.

Hehe I sound as if I know a lot just by experiencing a little bit of hypnosis! But I guess I was able to glean an understanding of how it worked. Which brings me back to what I was saying - that yes, ultimately how hypnosis works is by the power of suggestion - by decreasing the desire to 'override' commands (although not the ability to evaluate them), and increasing the effort required to override commands, because of the state of 'laziness' or physical (and mental) relaxation to which one has been brought.

In conclusion, I am fully convinced now that hypnosis is a neutral tool that can be used either for good or evil. I believe that it would be very useful in many things eg the treatment of phobias, dealing with sad/traumatic events, low self-esteem, quitting addiction etc. It's not 'cheating' because one is not running away from the problem, but confronting it on one's own, only, being guided through the process by a medical doctor, which would make it a lot easier. All these things are to do with 'changing your thinking', and I think that hypnosis would help with that - you'd still have to change your thinking yourself, but hypnosis kind of removes some of the barriers while you do it lah.

And because I know that the mind has a lot of control over the body, I think that hypnosis could also alter the course of biological illness - people could 'think' their bodies into getting well, could talk to their bodies into combating disease through hypnosis. As a Christian, I don't believe that hypnosis can be a substitute for prayer, but I think that it can mimic partially some of the effects of prayer - i.e. bring humans to the limit that they can heal on their own without God (though God can do more). After all, a lot of the power of prayer is also through faith, and suggestion is like the secular approximation to faith - it puts the mind in the same 'gear', so to speak, even though it does not work through a supernatural agency (eg let's say you have low self-esteem, you might pray along the lines of, "God, I know that I am beautiful in Your eyes, help me to see myself in the same way and not be afraid of man but free me of my low self-esteem" etc etc, and I imagine the hypnotist might say to a patient something like that also lah except in worldly language and in the second person).

However, I think that if someone wanted to use hypnosis for evil, to manipulate people's minds and put false thoughts into their heads, it would be very effective as well. Granted the subjects must be willing to have these thoughts put into their heads. But actually, even in waking life, the majority of people are very willing to believe things that are harmful to themselves and others.. so there is no doubt that people will abuse hypnosis, and they already have - in cults, etc. I think that hypnosis can certainly allow the occult to enter (to 'give the devil a foothold') or be used in adjunct with the occult, depending on who uses it, even though in itself it is neutral and not 'of the occult' or anything. I do not believe that, used by a medical practitioner for medical purposes, it could allow the occult to enter a patient's mind.

Just to be on the safe side, anyway, even though I was quite sure of this even before the demonstration, I did pray to God beforehand haha :) - "Dear God, please be with me all through the demonstration and if there is any danger of allowing entry of evil spirits, please protect my mind and keep them away!" Well, I guess when it was essentially relaxation in the end and I found my conscious mind was very much there and I could still feel God there with me throughout, I was quite happy and from time to time would keep on talking to him - 'Dear God, thanks for being here with me!' :) hee hee

Anyway, there is an interesting aside. I did want to see how being in such a relaxed attitude would affect my powers of recall, and by coincidence, I had been trying to recall the words of the poem "Kubla Khan" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, because Susan had mentioned it in our lunch conversation. "Kubla Khan" is probably the first poem I ever consciously memorised, when I was in Sec 2, because it was one of the first 'poetic staple' poems I ever read, and touched me deeply when I read it. I hadn't been thinking about it for years, though, and although I had rattled off the first half-stanza with facility, I just couldn't remember the rest. I had once been quite big on it, especially when I was more into Robert Graves, but by now I'd forgotten how it went.

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree,
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

All the way back from lunch and during the tutorial I'd been racking my brains to remember the rest of the poem. I knew there was the phrase "woman wailing for her demon-lover" (who could forget it?) but I was completely blank for the rest. When I got back to TTSH, I remembered something about a 'damsel with a dulcimer' and I knew there was something about honey-dew. However, from that entire section I could only remember the single line

singing of DUM-dum-DUM-dum.

During the tutorial, I suddenly realised that it was

singing of Mount Abora.

but nothing else.

So, during the hypnosis, I decided to think about the poem to see if hypnosis would bring anything back... and in that deeply relaxed state, lo and behold, that whole section came back! A poem that, mind you, had not crossed my mind for at least 5 years.

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw.
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
That all who heard would see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

I still couldn't remember the rest, though. :P Had to go back and check it up. Of course, it all comes back to me now. A poem that indeed is filled with a lot of pagan imagery, but apt, because I guess Coleridge must have written that poem in a somewhat hypnotic state as well! :P

Anyway, before the doctor 'woke' me up, he said a few things like "after you wake up, your mind will be crystal clear, you will find that you can think even more clearly" etc etc and "you will be rested and refreshed and do your work well" etc etc... and my mouth was twitching as I tried to keep the smile that I was feeling from breaking out :) because inwardly I was thinking, "This is brilliant! May it be so!" haha... And after I 'woke up' so to speak and opened my eyes, he asked me 'where are you?' 'who are these people?' 'what's today's date?' etc to make sure I was re-oriented (I knew perfectly well where I was lah as I had throughout). It was a good experience! :)

Would I ever use hypnosis myself, though? The answer at this point in time is - no. I guess in the end I'm still a proud person, and I like to think that if there were a need to change my thinking, I'd do it myself lah and not by listening to someone else's voice :) And because I have God to talk to at any time, and because he's always going to be smarter and more perfect than a fellow human being, even a morally upright fellow human with excellent training, I'd rather talk to God and trust Him instead. I would not mind using hypnosis for an addiction that I really couldn't overcome (I hope I will never get that though). Something tells me that my problems are more likely to be solved by prayer than by hypnosis though :) so prayer will always be my first-line haha.

If anything, in fact, hypnosis has reminded me of the importance of prayer and its usefulness in treating the mind and the body, because it shows that when you give so much attention and concentration to a fellow human being, your capacity to live a better and more positive life can really be expanded. What more through prayer, through giving our utmost attention and confidence to a loving and omnipotent God! :)

This experience has helped me to appreciate a lot more that, really, thank God that He has provided us with the resource of prayer, which can sustain us in any circumstance and any sickness; that we don't have to rely on ourselves and human methods which delve in things that humans cannot fully understand, seeking the functioning of our mind and our being, because all of these are in God's hands and, indeed, are fully understood by Him, so that we have only to call on Him and He will help us! :)

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20.03.07

This is the reason that I have never, all this time, been able to start a writeup till 11pm...

Today (A typical day)

6.40am - Wake up
7.30am - Catch bus to Buona Vista MRT
8.30am - Arrive at TTSH. Our first day at TTSH was quite interesting! We had a tutorial straightaway at which I presented (rather comically I think cos I wasn't sure how to structure it, but I didn't get scolded!)... heard that the tutors are very nice and this tutor sure was :)
2.00pm - Done for our 1st day after clerking all that we could clerk of the patients assigned us (but henceforth I think our days will last much longer). Journey back to hall with Ming Hann via Harbourfront MRT and bus 143
3.30pm - Back in hall, having stopped at PGP on the way to buy bananas and apples and instant noodles (to replenish my stockpile)
4.00pm - Open Word document to start writeup. I get as far as typing out all the headings... before
4.40pm - Quick nap
5.10pm - Wake up, prepare for Sunset Prayer, and rush down for quick dinner with Ching Mien (we'd prepared the songs the day before)
6.00pm - Reach Central Library for Sunset Prayer; joined by Zichun and Wai Kit. It is KE's turn to lead worship and sharing. Haha I think me and Ching Mien were both a bit kan chiong at first (cos we are very nervous leading worship in front of large crowds)... but it was ok in the end of course :) I had a good time of sharing and praying with Ruth-ann after that, and am encouraged by the VCF body's show of support for KE CF :)
7.30pm - Prayer meeting over - back to KE
8.00pm - Back in room... only to discover... ANT INFESTATION!!!! A frenzy of killing ants follows...
8.30pm - I can't stand it anymore; am compelled to mop the entire floor and clean all surfaces including my table and Dawn's table... can't bear the thought of ants crawling on me while I'm asleep which could happen if they were left alive - YUCKS!
9.00pm - Due to the unforseen ant disaster, there is no time to meet my layout i/c for the newsletter tonight after all, so I arrange a meeting for tomorrow instead. Msg Viks and Aeshan to arrange meeting.
10.00pm - Call from poor James from KR who's been trying unsuccessfully to contact me today, to tell me more about KRU, the prayer and worship event coming up in April which promises to be a great time for God's family on campus to gather and praise Him :) Msgs from various pple to coordinate various things.
10.20pm - Xinyao comes door-to-door, trying to sell tickets to their concert on Thursday and their CD, which costs $5 :) I can't go to the concert, but I buy the CD because I have a very good opinion of Xinyao (I enjoyed their performance at ICN last semester)
10.30pm - Mingchang, M4 senior in hall, comes to return Dawn's patho notes with much thanks :) Still on a high from his exam earlier today, he gives some patho exam tips.
11.00pm - Here I am, about to start my write-up at last :) Thankfully, tomorrow is clinics in the morning rather than tutorial... if I have to sleep late tonight perhaps I can go a bit later...

Heh. The rest of my week is already parceled out too. Thankfully, after a few days like this, there's usually an opportunity to catch up on rest!

In clinical years, I've learnt that one can only do 2 out of the following 3 well at any point in time: a) serve in CF b) hall activities c) medical studies. This year, c) has always been the one that suffers most (exam periods are the most relaxing time of year for me heh because during those times I can concentrate on c) - the moment exams end, it's back to juggling all of them again.) Hence my resolution, made 2 postings ago, to drastically prune away b) next year in order that c) may finally get the time that it requires! :)

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18.03.07

Are you distracted by outward cares? Then allow yourself a space of quiet, wherein you can add to your knowledge of the Good and learn to curb your restlessness. Guard also against another kind of error: the folly of those who weary their days in much business, but lack any aim on which their whole effort, nay, their whole thought, is focussed.

* * *

Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness - all of them due to the offenders' ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother.. therefore none of these things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading, Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man's two hands, feet or eyelinds, or like the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature's law - and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction?

- Marcus Aurelius

(He wasn't writing for others, he was writing to himself. These meditations are from his own private diary which he never expected anyone else to read.)

Marcus Aurelius is like my Aunt Agony haha!

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17.03.07

I'm still so tired. Just slept for 14 hours.

Too many thoughts have been going through my head in the last few weeks but there's no time to write them out and there never will be...

Psych Med is very taxing... Before this posting I never had a good opinion of psychiatry... But after being at IMH I've come to see that psychiatry is a very noble occupation and it fulfils a very real need... And I feel so much more for the patients suffering from mental illness than the patients I've seen in my last three postings suffering from physical illness (not that I didn't feel for them). But more taxing than the studies itself is the attitude so many of my peers are taking... treating it as a non-serious posting, a chance to 'slack'...

There aren't that many people around who know what it's like to be hurting so much... to be labelled as 'weird' when really you can't help seeing things in a different way from everyone else...

And at the same time, while I see how much psychiatry really helps the mentally ill and gives them another chance at life, there is that squeamishness I still feel at aligning myself, whenever I put on my white coat, with the camp of 'normal' people to whom Shelley was 'Mad Shelley'... Because there are some truths which you will never be able to see unless you are slightly mad in the world's eyes... And yes, Auden agrees that he was odd... and he was certainly in need of help... but in a sense, the rest of the world in its somnolence was so much more in need of help, and he was trying to help them...

The individual whom the artist most distrusts is the psychiatrist. Because all poets are amateurs themselves... and how can science ever see what words express? And yet so much of the 'torture' that goes into the making of art is classified as disease... Well, is it, or is it not? And yet it is not true that psychiatrists are only seeking to replace the painted veil - because I am sure that many of them, themselves, have seen under it... And only such people are qualified to treat others... And they do, and do it well...

And increasingly the only person I want to talk to is God... Because He's the only one who understands...

Majesty (Here I Am) written by Stu Garrard/Martin Smith (from Delirious)

Here I am, humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

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14.03.07

Am so tired that I'm going to sleep early tonight... One of the articles for Pubs Comm needs extensive rewriting and I thought I'd do it today and sleep early, but I just can't; the brain's beyond thought now.

Things I am praying about include:

1. The direction of Med CF next year. Ben Khoo will be chair and I will be vice-chair. Both of us share a vision which overlaps quite a lot, but will have to pray a lot more together and get to know each other better too. Haha :P We are both such *characters* - am praying that we'll be able to work well together n with everyone else :) God grant us wisdom to do what will be of greatest service to Him, and build according to His pattern, not just what we think is right or ought to be done :) And am praying that the formation of next year's comm will go smoothly and everyone will catch the same passion n be able to work well as a team. And most importantly, that we will be able to shine for God and dare to live the lives that He expects of us and is the least we can do for Him!

2. KE CF. :) Until the end of the academic year and till I have discharged my duties fully, this is a higher priority. Everyone's just so busy... There are so many things we want to do. God grant us the resources to be good witnesses and to fulfil our responsibilities well.

3. Pubs Comm. Haha... The next issue of Altitude should be out by the end of March and the Yearbook itself needs to be completed by May. With only 4 layout artists, we really need God's help :)

4. Medicine. I am praying that, now that the exhausting and all-consuming issues (God, poetry, affaires de coeur) which have always made it difficult for me to study since secondary school are resolved - through maturity in my walk with God and lessons learnt along the way - and I have no more excuse for not finally concentrating my mental resources on my duties as a student, I will be able to finally buckle down and be a good student. It is time to be able to do things with a spirit of excellence. No more excuses to treat my learning casually. Psych Med is the first posting I am doing finally 'free' of emotional exhaustion. From now on, my attitude to my studies has to be very different. I would like to be able to apply the same amount of energy and passion to Medicine as I once did to Searching For The Answers through poetry, etc. The phase in my life during which painful Contemplation was the primary characteristic is over; now it's time to live the rest of it in Doing :)

Now that the apathetic effect of depression has lifted, it is also time to think about how to be a blessing to patients in each posting, rather than simply going through the motions of being a student.

God has revealed many of my weaknesses to me over the last few months. Exam period was a good time for reflection and resolution. I pray that, more and more, I will be able to recognise my weaknesses and blind spots and, with God's help, continue to ov